Sunday, September 29, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Bf is spending all his time with this one fat girl. More motivation for me to lose weight I guess?
And he was making orange oil this morning (out of oranges) so now the kitchen is covered in splashes of orange. Looks like vomit. So... that's really gross. XD
Strangely I don't mind any of this. o_O
I have an exam in my abnormal psych class on Friday.
Isn't my life exciting?
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I get to go to the dentist today to get 2 cavities filled. Yay... Hopefully it won't take long since they're two small ones. XD
Monday, September 16, 2013
So I came home and the bf told me what the rental agency said. Which sent me into a really bad panic attack that carried over for another few hours. He tried to get me to leave the house (we had a few things we needed to buy, and he wanted to get me some natural remedies for anxiety) and it took like half an hour because I kept freaking out and crying and clawing the fuck out of myself (I punched my boot at one point and the zipper cut my knuckle T_T) and saying I was too fat to leave the house and I didn't want to stay in the same building as those horrible people who were such hypocrites (they like to pound on our floor if like, our dog is itching herself or something. Basically, if we make any noise, they get pissy) and I was just generally being a nutcase.
He did get me out of the house eventually though and he was totally right. We went to a local nature-y store that sells herbs and teas and natural soaps and candles and a bunch of random stuff. We picked up catnip tea and dried orange to mix with it to make tea (apparently those things are good for anxiety, we'll see) and the bf got me a candy and then the cashier lady was like "do you guys like dark or milk chocolate?" and we couldn't decide and she gave us a bit of each, which was nice of her.
Then we stopped by the hippie cafe where the bf works and his co-worker laughed at me (in a nice way) because I kept cuddling up to my bf (my anxiety hadn't completely gone away at that point so I was still a little nervous about being outside).
Then we went to a shop and I got totally distracted picking out a scented air refresher. Then we went shopping and got a bunch of fresh fruits/veggies. And by then I was feeling loads better and the bf was like, you were so frustrating earlier but I'm glad I was right about you just needing to get out of the house you should trust me next time. And I do give him points for that. He was super patient with me XD Looking back, I was acting a bit insane.
He thinks it's my birth control (I'm supposed to get my period this week SORRY TMI BUT YOU GUYS READ EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT ME SO DOES IT REALLY MATTER AT THIS POINT) because he thinks my anxiety's gotten worse since I started taking it. I think he's right. He said he'll pay for me to go to a psychiatrist to get anxiety meds (I have health insurance, but there's usually a co-pay for stuff like that, like $20 or something). I don't really want to get into pharmaceuticals, but it was still sweet that he offered. =) (He offered this before he looked up natural remedies for anxiety)
So... I guess I'm glad my bf is so sweet and patient?
I'm still a bit jumpy right now but I'm way better than I was earlier today...
Ohh and I saw something funny at the store a few weeks ago =)
Mom loved her pillow and chocolates btw ^_^
Thursday, September 12, 2013
I had a stats exam today. Then I skipped Chinese. But I did work on my Chinese homework, so the time hasn't been completely wasted. =) Also I downloaded the BBC news app and now I'm depressed all the time haha.
I made a good start on the embroidery on the pillow last night =) So... that's good I guess. It looks semi-decent, which is good, since I have no idea how to sew. The boy is helping me with it since he actually does know how to sew. XD
And he got me a pink Monster Rehab today <3 super yay!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
So I came home, slept for an hour, and cuddled my puppy.
I've been so sleepy recently... Blah. It rained like mad yesterday but by afternoon it was disgustingly hot. Ugh. The weather here is seriously bullshit.
Is it bad that the only reason I don't throw up dinner in the evenings is that that's when I take my birth control, and I really don't want to throw that up because it makes my period cramps go away and you know, stops me from getting pregnant? XD If it weren't for that, I think I'd throw up every night. Thank God for pharmaceuticals I guess.
Monday, September 9, 2013
I'm reading a book called Thinner Than Thou. It's sci-fi. I don't normally do sci-fi, but it sounded interesting. I still have no idea what's going on, but then I am only 15 pages in.
The boyfriend is threatening to make me a super-broccoli dinner. Broccoli soup with broccoli pasta and pieces of broccoli in it. Dear God.
I got more light (90cal) yogurt last night while we were grocery shopping.
The bf got himself fish. Fish is supposed to be healthy right? And I hate the smell of it, so yay for appetite suppressant.
I'll see this diet through and lose weight and be perfect <3
Saturday, September 7, 2013
It's driving me up the wall. I can't play music to block it out because it's like, hurting me with how loud it is.
The joys of being a student?
Friday, September 6, 2013
The bf and I had sex last night so hopefully he won't bother me about it for a few days at least.
I'm making a pillow for my mom's bday. I'm also getting her flowers and some Godiva liquor stuff idk what it is but she loves stuff like that so.. yeah. The bf is getting her a few pounds of Ghirardelli chocolates. I'm getting him the limited collector's edition of the Assassin's Creed game that's coming out next month. This actually isn't as much as it may sound like, since he already preordered the game itself ($70) so I just need to add another $70 to get the limited collector's edition thing. And it benefits me, since it comes with cool Assassin's Creed stuff and I do like the games =) Maybe not as much as he does, but they are fun.
I found an RPG on the GooglePlay store that I just downloaded and am planning to try today. It's called Inotia... I dunno, it just randomly came up in the suggestions or something and it's free so I decided it can't hurt to try it, ya know?
Did I mention the bf got me the second part of FFXIII for the xbox360? He said he's getting me 3 things for my birthday (which is next month). He already got me a big purple pillow for my closet reading corner thing and this video game... the third thing I'm apparently getting on my birthday >_<
I can't wait until it's cold enough to wear scarves and fuzzy boots <3
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
Not eating didn't go well yesterday. Well, it did until about 11pm, when I though I'll have a Monster and a little alcohol! Yeah not a great idea... after the alcohol I decided Doritos and gelato were a fabulous idea. I'm disgusting. And I have to have dinner with my mom today. Ugh.
I made iced green raspberry tea. =) I'll be good this week.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
The other night he poured himself a drink (alcoholic) and asked if I wanted to drink with him. I said no (I've lost my taste for alcohol) and he guilted me and was all, oh but drinking alone is so depressing and I already poured myself a drink. So I ended up drinking a little. Barely enough to feel it. Which means that what I drank probably had a shit ton of calories.
Then whenever I'm depressed or suicidal, and I want to go to him because you know... we've been living together for over a year, so surely I can go to him for comfort? He threatens to call the cops and tell them I'm trying to kill him (my preferred method of hurting myself is a knife).
He lies to his friends. He left a bruise on my arm the other day (not saying much, I bruise so damn easily, my legs are covered in small bruises and I can't figure out any of them, so I've just given up) because he grabbed my arm a little too hard, and when his friend asked what the bruise was from he said I hit myself. Later he told me it was because he knew his friend was cop-happy (hypocrite) and he didn't want to get in trouble for domestic violence or whatever. It's like, what so you'd rather I get locked up in an institution?
He makes me feel so guilty for so much stuff and when I ask him what I did wrong, that I should feel bad for it, he won't explain it and he'll just go back to his video game and ignore me.
He won't hug me unless I beg him to.
I've given up. I'm not eating, not asking for affection or attention. I'll just hide in my room and do homework and read. God knows I have plenty of homework.
Oh and he gets pissed off that I ask him to turn his video games down and not yell at the game quite so loudly when I'm doing homework and apparently this is TERRIBLY unfair because his video game sounds are more important than my grades. Though personally I think it's a bad sign if I can hear him over my music, which I play fairly loudly through earphones while doing homework.
My mom keeps saying that if there's anything wrong or I need to talk to someone or anything, I can always come to her. She's become so wonderful and caring in the past few years. I'm just scared to admit to my parents that I messed up so badly. They probably won't want to pay the rent on this apartment so I'll have to move out, which means going through the hassle of moving all over again, so soon. And leaving my puppy. My mom can't have a dog where she lives.
I don't know why it's so hard to break up with him. All my friends say I should.
He's mad at me cause I'm never in the mood for sex anymore. I guess it's because of the birth control I'm on. It said it can mess with your sexual urges or whatever. He's still mad. He keeps trying to have sex with me anyway and getting all upset when I push him away.
I just need to get my shit together and stop eating and crying and expecting people to give a fuck about me.
Sorry about the long ass rant.
Thin had a disappointing ending, though it was still a good, quick read. It is kinda triggering though. Just a warning.
Thanks for the comment Frodette <3