The other night he poured himself a drink (alcoholic) and asked if I wanted to drink with him. I said no (I've lost my taste for alcohol) and he guilted me and was all, oh but drinking alone is so depressing and I already poured myself a drink. So I ended up drinking a little. Barely enough to feel it. Which means that what I drank probably had a shit ton of calories.
Then whenever I'm depressed or suicidal, and I want to go to him because you know... we've been living together for over a year, so surely I can go to him for comfort? He threatens to call the cops and tell them I'm trying to kill him (my preferred method of hurting myself is a knife).
He lies to his friends. He left a bruise on my arm the other day (not saying much, I bruise so damn easily, my legs are covered in small bruises and I can't figure out any of them, so I've just given up) because he grabbed my arm a little too hard, and when his friend asked what the bruise was from he said I hit myself. Later he told me it was because he knew his friend was cop-happy (hypocrite) and he didn't want to get in trouble for domestic violence or whatever. It's like, what so you'd rather I get locked up in an institution?
He makes me feel so guilty for so much stuff and when I ask him what I did wrong, that I should feel bad for it, he won't explain it and he'll just go back to his video game and ignore me.
He won't hug me unless I beg him to.
I've given up. I'm not eating, not asking for affection or attention. I'll just hide in my room and do homework and read. God knows I have plenty of homework.
Oh and he gets pissed off that I ask him to turn his video games down and not yell at the game quite so loudly when I'm doing homework and apparently this is TERRIBLY unfair because his video game sounds are more important than my grades. Though personally I think it's a bad sign if I can hear him over my music, which I play fairly loudly through earphones while doing homework.
My mom keeps saying that if there's anything wrong or I need to talk to someone or anything, I can always come to her. She's become so wonderful and caring in the past few years. I'm just scared to admit to my parents that I messed up so badly. They probably won't want to pay the rent on this apartment so I'll have to move out, which means going through the hassle of moving all over again, so soon. And leaving my puppy. My mom can't have a dog where she lives.
I don't know why it's so hard to break up with him. All my friends say I should.
He's mad at me cause I'm never in the mood for sex anymore. I guess it's because of the birth control I'm on. It said it can mess with your sexual urges or whatever. He's still mad. He keeps trying to have sex with me anyway and getting all upset when I push him away.
I just need to get my shit together and stop eating and crying and expecting people to give a fuck about me.
Sorry about the long ass rant.
Thin had a disappointing ending, though it was still a good, quick read. It is kinda triggering though. Just a warning.
Thanks for the comment Frodette <3
Your friends are right...this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all and that's not at all great for your mental health! He sounds abusive based off of what you described here, emotionally. Something needs to change...and it has to be either him being a better person or the relationship being no more. You need to think about yourself first. If you can't live with your mom, what about a friend or something?
ReplyDeleteHope you're safe.
Oh honey... It sounds like a really bad relationship, to say the least :( *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI think you know that you should break up with him. He's getting abusive, not just 'terrible', and I worry it could escalate. Please don't be afraid to tell your parents what's happening, they want you to be safe and well, and your mom's obviously worried about you. Could one of your friends maybe watch your puppy until you found a new place?
Love you. Keep us updated, I'm worried about you <3 xx