1/31/14

I went to bed around midnight and woke up around 4am (when the bf's alarm went off - this is normal, I can usually go back to sleep when he leaves for work). Except last night I couldn't because the neighbors kept throwing shit around their kitchen which is right under our bedroom. So I ended up having a Monster Rehab and a ton of coffee and getting really dizzy and nauseated just so I could stay awake during class.

Oh and I threw up twice today.

My mom said I should go talk to the school lawyer about them and see if I can legally force them to stop being loud assholes.

It's worth a try. =/ I'm honestly going crazy and my anxiety is not handling this well at all.

1/30/14

From PostSecret

I binged on a bowl of jalapeno mac and cheese last night. I feel absolutely disgusting. I'm too fat to deserve attention or good grades.

1/29/14

I skipped my 9:30am Chinese class today because it was -18C outside when it was time to leave for class and I was like fuckk no. I hope my prof doesn't get mad. I'm one of the students who's always paying attention during class and she knows that, so hopefully she won't be offended. Also I'm sure all the professors right now understand that students who live off-campus just cannot handle the cold XD

I had a handful of black olives and half a green bell pepper yesterday and while I was finishing the bell pepper my bf was just like "I can't believe you just ate so much...aren't you fat enough already?"

Haha. Fucker. Guess I'm not eating again.

1/28/14

Classes today got cancelled due to the cold. It's -24C right now, not including wind chill. >_<

Kinda sad about it. Classes are usually a wonderful distraction from the rest of my life.

That guy who threatened me keeps messaging me and I'm too scared to go to the cops. Not for some legit reason. Just that I don't want to bother them and I'm not sure if it's just my general fear of males in general that's making me perceive what this guy is saying as sinister or if he's actually crazy.

I mean... I think he's crazy and I should be scared of him. But I'm sure you guys understand... I don't entirely trust myself and I don't think I'm worthy of protection/attention/positive vibes of any sort.

We talked in a time frame of 24 hours. Maybe 48 AT MOST. And now he's saying he never forgives or forgets and I'm wondering what I did that was so wrong. I really can't think of anything, besides telling him I don't want him to contact me again and attempting to persuade him that I'm actually not a slut who sleeps with everyone I see. I didn't realize doing that would be so offensive to him though. -_-

So yeah kinda freaked out. I'm glad my bf has his super sharp ceramic knife and that my dog is so protective of me. I'm not sure if she would actually hurt anyone but she barks and that would give me enough warning that maybe if he did show up, I'd have enough time to call someone for help.

I really can't handle this.

1/27/14

Everything (schools, churches, some businesses I think) is closed except the university. Even the university's other campus, which is nearby, is closed. Clearly someone just decided to be sadistic today. -_-

I need coffee and Monster ughh

1/26/14

Bf got almond milk for me.

So dinner's this week will be either raw red cabbage with a glass of almond milk OR a fat-free yogurt with raw oatmeal mixed in.

And obviously dinner will be the only meal. One meal a day to keep the bf happy.

Fuck being fat.

1/25/14

@Run I wish I didn't have to get out of bed XD Sadly I have to go to class.

Had way too much to eat yesterday (piece of blueberry cake, a naked burrito, and a piece of saltwater taffy) so I'm fasting today. It's 4:30pm and I'm not even mildly tempted by food even though I have half a pound of taffy and a giant Hershey's kiss next to me and the bf is making homemade pizza for dinner.

I am drinking water, tea, and coffee though. Not trying to kill myself. Just trying to be thin. <3

1/23/14

My puppy keeps giving me heart-broken looks when she sees me going to the bathroom after eating to throw up. It makes it a lot harder to do, but I still have to do it because there is no way in FUCK I am letting that food stay in me.

I wish food didn't exist.

Chinese class is my therapy. <3

1/22/14

It's been absolutely freezing here recently. Like -13 and -16 (celsius), and that's not factoring in the wind chill. The only good thing is that I keep thinking about how many calories the 20 minute walk to campus must be burning because of how cold it is. Always look on the bright side, right?

1/21/14

Today has been awful. On so many levels.

This guy got all ticked off at me because I didn't want to sleep with him and sent me a text after saying a lot of awful stuff about how apparently I sleep with everyone. He seemed really violent and when he said I should watch my back, I got freaked out and bf found out (I was trying to hide it, but when he got home, I was just so terrified that I burst into tears and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him) and insisted I go to the cops. So I did. The police in this city are wonderful. So kind and they dealt with the fact that I was in tears and freaking out. I feel embarrassed running to them like that, especially since there's no proof that the threat was serious, but the guy just seemed so aggressive and violent and angry. It was so scary. Thankfully, it's now taken care of.

Then I had my research methods class today and the prof is really bad at teaching, but thankfully my classmates are motivated to pass the class (since it's required) so I think we'll probably just have a study group and teach the subject to ourselves. Funnily enough, we were actually discussing aggression today in class and I couldn't stop giggling for no apparent reason.

Then I came home and had a bowl of soup with bread. Purged that. Then went to dinner at my mom's with bf and former stepbrother + gf. My mom kept shooting me the evil eye because I was just picking at the soup she made and turning down all the other food (potatoes, salad covered in oily dressing, homemade cheesy garlic bread, peach pie). The soup was quinoa, carrots, onions, bell pepper, and chick pea. Water-based, not cream-based. So I guess not dangerous per se. Couldn't stomach it and she decided to be motherly and sent a container of the soup home with me, as well as two pieces of the pie. I got home, skyped a friend for a bit, and then ate the soup and pie and purged that.

...Ugh I'm truly pathetic, aren't I.

Besides that, I've had coffee and peppermint tea and water today. All safe so there is that.

I need to be thin.

1/20/14

No classes today so I'm cleaning and drinking coffee/tea.

1/19/14

One of the few pictures of me in Europe the summer after I graduated high school.

1/18/14

Fat free french vanilla cappuccinos (mixed half black coffee, half cappuccino) from circle k on the way back from class are keeping me sane at the moment. <3 I have no idea what I would do in a world without caffeine. I drink my coffee black, no sugar at home though. <3

I got a 10/10 on my first Chinese quiz. So happy. <3

1/16/14

My classes are going well. <3 This will be a good semester.

1/15/14

The quiet study floor of the library on campus is a wonderful refuge. If you go up to that floor, you're probably a serious, motivated student. Who enjoys peace and quiet.
I've finally found my people.
Also there are craptons of bookshelves on that floor.
And the desks are individual and partitioned off so you cant really see anyone else unless you try to.
It's perfect. And wonderful therapy in between classes. <3

1/14/14

Source: PostSecret

I'm really happy about my schedule because it means I have an hour or two between classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, when I have no choice but to stay on campus because going home would take too long (I'd get home, have like half an hour at home, then immediately have to go back for class). This means I can go hide in the library and study and do homework and peace and quiet, and I have no excuses for being lazy about it. Yay!

So fucking sleepy right now though. xx

1/13/14

All 3 of my professors today were super skinny, attractive, smart women. I have a lot to aspire to. I have music and stats tomorrow. Also taking puppy to the vet (finally!) let's see what this day will bring. <3

1/12/14

Classes start tomorrow.
I have Chinese in the morning, then I'm coming home for a few hours (my next class is 4 hours after my Chinese class - eek!). Then I ave my psychology class, then an English (creative writing I think) class. I get back around 6 or 6:15. No time for dinner. =)

I went shopping and got tights and knee high socks today. Yep. I tried on a cute skirt but the only size they had it in was large and the elastic wasn't even touching because it was so big and I was like... I hate being short. Lmao.

Also got 2 scarves and a box of chocolates for my mom and a box of chocolate for her friend who keeps giving me random presents. =)

1/11/14

Bella - I think you may be right. It's weird but it's like he's more willing to spend time with me (not playing video games) when he works all day. I'm not complaining. =)

The only safe foods are really like apples, fresh veggies, grapefruit. Used to involve low-cal yogurt but it feels too heavy now.

Blah.

My biggest problem is when I think I can eat something not "safe" and be okay with a few bites of it. But then something will happen, or some switch will flip in my brain, like it's totally random, and I'll be like oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck get it out. XD

2 more days until classes start. <3

1/10/14

I fell and hit my knee really bad yesterday and the downstairs neighbors started pounding on the walls and yelling at me. Then the bf got home while I was still limping around, trying to make him tea and stuff, and he dropped everything he was carrying and held me because I was crying so hard about what the neighbors did and the fact that I was fucking limping just from falling on a carpeted floor, like what in fuck?

Then he made tofu/rice/veggies and I had some and threw it up because I couldn't stand the feeling of food inside me.

How pathetic. Not even two weeks into the new year and I've already purged like 10 times.

On the bright side, the bf and I are getting way better. I don't know what it is (I suspect it's the fact that he has a job that pays fairly well, at least for us - less stress about money = less stress in relationship = better relationship), but it's nice. Kind of. Haha he went grocery shopping tonight and brought back a box of my favorite chocolates. They're sitting in the kitchen looking all pretty and I won't touch them until I feel in control enough to.

Puppy ended up not going to the vet today. But I rescheduled her appointment for Tuesday so hopefully that'll be okay.

Classes start Monday. I can't wait. <3

1/9/14

I have to take my puppy to the vet tomorrow morning. By myself. Fuck. She's not sick or anything, just needs distemper and rabies vaccines. But that means I have to be the one to hold her and hear her whimper when they give her the shots. =/ I'm not sure if I can handle that but I suppose I have no choice. I'm bringing a small bag of her favorite treats for her since she's spoiled and won't touch the ones at the vet because they aren't gourmet enough.

Had a bowl of mac and cheese last night (wtf? fatass!) and immediately threw it up. Weighed myself before and after to make sure I got it all out, or at least most of it. I've had a pot of coffee today.

I'm scared to weigh myself cause I'm on my stupid period, but I know I have to. I don't want to gain loads of weight without knowing it.

1/8/14

The neighbors were awfully loud today. Like, it sounded like they were slamming an enormous metal pot against a brick wall for a few hours straight. There's only so many times you can loudly open and close so many cabinets, you know? And they kept yelling and shit. Ugh.

I got sick of it and went outside to read, which is my preferred method of de-stressing. Even though it's -10C outside. Fuck them. I'd rather deal with the cold than they're bitching. Though I could still hear their slamming shit against the wall (or whatever they were doing) while I was outside. Lmao.

And I started my period today. Whee.

Which would normally mean I want to eat everything in sight.

But I haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning (an egg and a handful of skittles) and I don't particularly care if I ever eat again. I just want to clean. Everything. There were no dishes to wash today and I was tempted to ask my friend to make himself some food or something so there would be something for me to wash.

I didn't do it though. XD

I did cheat a bit yesterday. Bf brought me a Monster when he went out to get dinner (subs...what the FUCK) for him and the friend (I said I didn't want anything cause I was still full) and I drank that. It was a pink lemonade Monster Rehab though, so 20cals and super caffeinated, so I don't feel too bad about it. It probably helped that I had a pot and a half of coffee yesterday.

All I've had today is water and I'm okay with that though I might make myself tea later. =3

1/7/14

I'm fasting for a few days at least. Coffee, tea, water, and I'm probably having a 0cal Jones Black Cherry soda tomorrow. No sugar/creamer obviously. =)

I've gotten into WoW. Bf and friend and I play on a private server so it's free. My name on there is DovahKitten. XD (Dovah = dragon-speak for "dragon", from Skyrim, so basically my name is DragonKitten)

(=

1/6/14

I may have gotten terribly drunk yesterday and had a bowl of pasta and made myself throw it up.

may have

I love Skype.

1/4/14

Yeah my slip up wasn't that bad at all... just scratched up my palm a bit basically. Hurts like FUCK when I do dishes or take a shower though. But I guess that's what I deserve, right?

I'm out of my favorite Black Silk coffee. Sadface.